can’t watch “the pursuit of happyness”

Watching my favorite films over and over is my comfort activity.

I have basically watched Eat, Pray, Love on an average of 20 times; The Devil Wears Prada, 30+. It is a basic need for me. When I’m sad, I watch my favorite movie. When lined up, it is inevitable though that I will include The Pursuit of Happyness. The only weird thing here is, I only watched this movie once. Although I am certain this would be part of my list, I never really brave to re-watch it.

Based on real life, The Pursuit of Happyness is a story of trial, courage and success. Christopher Gardner’s life is a whirlwind of challenges as he raised his son alone, being left by his wife. He went into the sales business, and to no success – but he carried on, even accepting an internship. All these while he has no place to live, no money to spend, and a young son dependent on him. I was moved and touched by the overarching image of resilience that Chris has shown despite the seemingly unlimited challenges. Maybe it’s Will Smith’s artistry that really made me crying even 15 minutes after the film. Over and above, Chris succeeded. I was weeping.

The last scene in the movie when he said, “This is.. happiness.” and he could barely contain it. The emotional turmoil and ecstasy.. that finally he has his hopes high when a company hired him, and he has the chance to change his life and his son’s. It was an unexplainable intense emotion for him, that I, as a viewer is weirded out as I find myself bawling after that specific scene. Weird, but why?

I never really tried to evaluate the emotion the film had on me. Never even bothered to ask why, until a moment ago as I was searching for a feel-good movie to watch, and it caught the corner of my eye. I then found myself revolting against the idea that I might watch it again. I just couldn’t.

And then it dawned on me.. I am no longer touched by the story because my father (or a father-figure to me) struggles in life to make ends meet and to give me the life I deserve. I was no longer a child who would need a superhero father. Instead, I would mirror myself to Chris’ likings. Now in my adult life, I am Chris. I am in sales, barely making ends meet, had to live paycheck to paycheck, couldn’t run away from “my child.” And in reality, the child is also me–the young, innocent, dreamy, always-optimist child. I am the old me who tries to save the younger me from officially living into the worst world ever.

I could not face the truth: I am in a mess. Chris is me, I am Chris. I never wanted to re-watch the film, simply because I will again be reminded of how chaotic my life had been, that my place isn’t livable as it is, I am in a pile of debt, and I have my future depending on me, and neither of us sees it.

Watching my favorite films over and over is my comfort activity, but there is no comforting feeling being reminded of what seems to be wrong with my own pursuit of happyness.