throwing stones…

We are the sum of all our good and bad deeds.

In our lifetime, we are always faced with the choice of the actions we ought to take. It is always easy to choose the pleasurable, as it eases one’s feelings, but they aren’t always the right choice. When we were younger, our parents provide us with the pattern with which to get the answers from. As we get older, we face harder and harder questions of what is, and what should be.

When I was in High School, I have a blurry notion of the act of cheating. Simply because ours was always rooted from the intentions of having no one left behind. We have always had our tendencies to cheat (meaning share answers on exams, quizzes, activities) only to help any member of the class to get by the subject. I always convince myself I was being a good friend and classmate every time I allow it.

Although my college life was in a different set up, the blur cheating reoccured. There was an activity that the class needs to submit, and I – being the class leader who intends to help those who might not be able to submit – shared my paper to the class. Our professor knew, and she talked to us one by one. I admitted the act. She gave me a grade of 82. Then, specifically highlighted how she was disappointed of me. Did I feel bad? I couldn’t remember. But I know the feeling of lightness when I think to myself that I helped “friends,” aka classmates who didn’t do the activities, in need. I know I like the feeling of being the good one, regardless if the act is a bad one.

I can never be wrong being the good one, I suppose.

Recently, a relative shared to me that her child committed a sexual act in school. She was really devastated and ashamed of it. It was bad – in all levels. I couldn’t tell her that her child has shared it to me long before she knew – and I didn’t contradict nor correct the child (he’s gay, and 16). I just let this child shared. Only reminded him to be careful. But I never told him it’s bad, or shameful.. or it could ruin his future. Do I have a twisted set of values? I couldn’t say. People who practice and do sexual acts (so long as guided) are not at all bad people, not to be ashamed of. I particularly heard the relative saying. “nakakahiya..” and I was searching from within if I would be ashamed if people knew of the 16-year old’s act. I wouldn’t be.

Until I realized I’d always have that blurry notion of what’s “wrong” – because I am never afraid to be judged of my “bad actions” especially when it’s out good intentions, or that pleasurable to my senses. I always take into consideration what I feel about my actions regardless of people’s view of it. This is also the reason that I don’t condemn anyone doing it – because I never would’ve wanted anyone condemning me of my own “bad actions.”

The only reason they think it’s bad/shameful, is because they throw stones to other doing that exact same thing. So when someone close or of kinship does it, they are deeply affected (and judgmental).

I am no certain where these thoughts would lead, but I know that we are pretty much the sum of all our good and bad deeds, regardless if people throw stones to us, or not …