the gone grit

I was out with friends last night as I found myself yet again explaining my inactivity, almost-indolent kind of performance at work. I am fairly sure the stories I tell myself (and of others) are not mere excuses, instead are reevaluation and view on hindsight of the past years of my life.

Narrating with my gusto and nostalgia, I remember how when I was still in the city and would commute from our apartment to work. What amazed me as I recall it is the fact that at the time I was living with my partner and I prep food for both of us as baon. What’s more amazing is that I arrive at work even before 7am! What a person, I was thinking.

Then I got to thinking.. where is that woman–that Billy who seemed to have all of life’s aspects figured out, whose walking in sunshine amid dim? I wonder if she’s still here.. with me, in my 30s.

I will give it to energy and physiology. I was definitely much in my vigor in my 20s, and that allowed me to take on multiple jobs. I was teaching fulltime, taking my Masters, saying yes to all Journalism or Communications-related speakership, and even accepting writing and editing jobs. There is no job I would decline, no side hustle I wouldn’t give a try.

Everything shifted when I turned 30.

After a decade of working in the academe, I felt it was time to transition. I wasn’t fully prepped – I know – but my gut tells me it’s about time to go. So I did. With no certain field to jump into, I swallowed what’s served in front of me–I did the online email-based kind of work (which pays well, I must say!) but I was underperforming. The problem is, I feel so full of shit, I feel like I work like a shit as well. Alongside it is a work in the sales industry–which people say fit me perfectly. People in sales – at least most of those I know – are with high energy, always-hyped, much grit etcetera etcetera.

I ended taking a fulltime work in the sales industry. I considered it the universe’s crumbs [for another blog entry]. So when into it.

It actually didn’t matter if I went for any job. I know I’d be able to pull it off – in the best way I can. But what’s obvious in the recent months is that nothing really ever pushes me to do more and more. In my 20s, I was supporting my brother to study, and I take care of my grandmother. They are now long working, and are dead, respectively. It is sometimes hard to push myself and put that grit back in my sleeves, when all I want is the contrary.

Grit calls for personal and internal push to get going, always aiming for the goal, then the next goal, then the next. It’s an unending cycle of achieving for one’s optimum capacity. People say that while grit may be internally-sourced, external factors may also bring it about. When one’s in deep debt, broke, lost her investments and savings, nothing left – wouldn’t she be pushed and be gritty to take on things? Supposedly.. but I didn’t.

I guess grit’s just gone on me. It left me, or I left it somewhere along my deepest and darkest issues I started unraveling in my 30s. Eventually I may have realized that grit is the only thing I weaponize against my issues – and when I am able to address them one by one, grit’s also gone.

Then it dawned on me.. it is only because in reality, I have to be the gritty one: living with with my grandparents, I had to also fend for myself. I have always been on my own (whether I’m in a relationship or not). I have to have grit, because no one else is there to check on me, and let me be loose. I’m always up in my sleeves high with energy, because I need to.

..and now, what do I want? Simple (but not easy probably), I want the quiet, the peace, the solitary solemnity. I wanted to be still who I want to be, but not as much as gritty. #