millennial money messes

I’m a millennial gal to my core. Born in 1992, my 30s commenced in 2022 and it’s been almost 3 years since I was “reborn” to grow up in my adulthood.

In my teens, I dreamed of turning 30. I picture a 30-year old as someone who has figured it all. She is the woman who has fulfilled her dreams of being a great classroom teacher, has taken her Masters Degree, and she is already handling a mid-management position in an institution she loves being part of. A 30-year old woman is financially free–she has enough savings in case of emergency, she has invested on properties and other assets she is interested in, she can travel when she wants to, and most importantly she is not, at all, broke.

When I turned 30, all perspectives of what I thought it might be, changed.

At the onset of my “thriving thirties,” I have already lost the most important person in my life: inay (my grandmother). I grew up with her, stayed with her on days we would welcome the new year and easter. It was just Inay and I–especially when I was in college and inay would borrow from my aunts simply for my allowance. I came to a point where I had to work part-time as I was studying, so we could make ends meet. We survived those years

When I lost her, I was unsure of how survival would be. I had to start navigating my 30s broke and broken–I could not decide which is worse.

Growing up in a lower middle class family, money is a luxury we barely afford to “enjoy.” By enjoy I mean use it with no fear that it would run out, or that it is misused. But I have always had a different dynamics with money. I have always felt that I money just flows–when I need it, it arrives; when I want it, it is handed to me. It has never failed. I still cling to that basic view that money flows.

..and since money flows, I just let it go and flow and just let it be. THAT’S WHERE IT GOT ALL MIXED UP.

I was unsure if it is the universe or God that always saves and protects me from any chaos on money. Yes, admittedly, I had moments of being broke and kind of running out of stash of money,

but I never feared having totally nothing, because unfailingly, money comes. Money flows.

I have noticed this early on in my life. I get to acquire money when I need it. I ask, and I receive–that’s pretty much how it happens: whether it is in a form of a side hustle that I would be paid for, a money from someone who owes me, or lends me .. either way, money appears. I never had to worry.

..and that’s where the abuse of the mindset came about.

I no longer respect the “money flows” idea because even when I was broke, I’ll borrow or spend money I do not have (or own) thinking I’d have it back anyway.

..until it didn’t.

I had to use my savings for some months when I should not.

I had to let go of some investments I have in the past.

I had to live with eating once a day, because that’s the only thing I can afford–or better yet, shamelessly ask from my neighboring aunts who will give me food (I know) when I ask of it.

In other words, money still did flow.. but I did not feel it on my palm. It came, and it went. I could barely chase it, let alone hold it.

Being broke in my 20s was manageable–cause I was just sometimes running out of budget. But being broke in my 30s? That is a different story altogether, that I can no longer tell.

I guess it’s really God and the universe now conspiring to pull me back to where I should be–where money flows, but it’s respected; where being broken isn’t a badge of whatever bullsh*t; and living the life I want is not a mere dream, but something to work hard on.

I’ve had a fair share of messes in my early adulthood, and I have forgiven myself for it. This time, the universe is telling me that my mess can be transformed to “bless.”

I now have the chance; let me not blow it off.